You don’t know what’s best for me. You don’t know what’s best for anyone. You may have read all of the feminist critical theory, all the literature from the black freedom movement. You know your history, your philosophy, maybe even your poetry. You may be working in a field that does “radical good” for the world. No matter your credentials, you do not know what is best for me. You do not know what is best for the world. And you don’t get a gold star and excused from kindness in your personal life for doing the work that you’ve deemed “good.” There is no point in time at which you will understand. You will never understand. And the day that you claim that you do, or that you do enough because your work is progressive and gives back to the world – that day, you will have ultimately failed. That day you will have proven to everyone else that you do not understand and are so far from it that you might as well get out of the way and let someone else do your work for you. Leave your loved ones alone. They have their own lives to manage and educating you is not one of the tasks on their to-do lists.

White men – please work together on this. Please make space for each other to share feelings, to discuss your challenges, to make sure that you are cared for as you try to understand. Because you will always be trying and you will always be failing. And I understand that this will be hard. But it’s only once you accept that and start taking care of the pain you feel when you fail (which I understand to be real) by taking care of each other and not asking your loved ones to do it. It’s only then that we can join together as equals.

We are all ambitious in our own ways – so this applies to everyone. Specifically to those who’d like to love another who is ambitious in their work and what they’d like to contribute to the world: believe in them, support them endlessly, do not give them advice, do not share what you’ve learned from your time around the block – it is not relevant to them. Know that most likely they have overcome obstacles that you have not. They know their way around the block better than you do. Their experience and strength rivals yours and that demands love, respect, and support beyond what it is possible for you to give – so start giving.